Chas-isms

Chasism’s are a collection of news group comments from Chas Clements, who has become somewhat well-known on many newsgroups.  Some like him, some hate him, but few will deny that he is unique in the world.

A couple of years ago, I instigated a contest to see who could find the best Chasism, and offered a set of the first four KunTao Silat Videos to the First Prize winner.  Now I’ve converted everything to DVD.
Here are the entries so far, and obviously Chas has not yet ceased to post, so there are probably more jewels out there. We’ll open the contest from here and then figure out how to choose a winner.

Batman  Apr 2 2003, 9:00 pm     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom:

ba****@ba*****.edu











(Batman) – Find messages by this author Date: Thu, 03 Apr 2003 05:00:47 -0000Local: Wed, Apr 2 2003 9:00 pm Subject: chasisms (is the contest still going on?) Chas just said this one
“Madam; you are the fruit and flower of Western Civilization; well educated, moral, thoughtful, compassionate, reserved and dignified.  I trust you to stab the right guys.”
-jeff

chasisms (is the contest still going on?) . . . Yes Steve Gartin  Apr 4 2003, 9:28 am     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom: “Steve Gartin” <

s.**@th*********.net











> – Find messages by this author Date: Fri, 4 Apr 2003 10:38:00 -0700Subject: Re: chasisms (is the contest still going on?) . . . Yes ____________________________________________

Entry #1:
“Uncle Samuel” <stars@bars>
I like Chas’ style and notable wit.
I think my favorite, and it’s been some time back, went thusly:
“I have known women who would fuck a bulldog in a mudslide-never a
worry about conception until they made the decision to do so.”>

Entry #2:
One of my favourites was:
“…so does that make me King of all

Wrestlers?  Nah, I’m just a guy with  a

club.”
Pierre

Entry #3
I’m going to enter Kirk Lawson, since this

is on his sig line:
“…it’s the nature of the media and the

participants. A herd of martial artists gets

together and a fight breaks out; quelle

surprise.” -Chas Speaking of

rec.martial-arts

Entry #4:
I saw this one a while back, and was lucky
enough to find it again.
“…Gun control has no value other than
making it easy for the powerful to oppress
the weak. The personal weapon is the one
thing that distinguishes the freeman from
the serf.”
James

Entry #5:
Sounds like a great project.
Probably the phrase I have uttered the most
during my own teaching.
With proper credit of course!!! <G>
(It’s fighting, not folkdancing!”)
Perk

Entry #6: From Kalis
Ok here goes… “And if pigs had wings, we
could fly them to market…”
“Dog nose it’s true”

Entry #7:   Kalis made another entry:
Oh yeah, almost forgot:
<after Chas has been arguing back and forth
with someone on rec.knives..>
“And it’s amazing I got through this whole
post without once calling you a cocksucker!”
Laughed my ass off for days.<g>
Mike

Entry #8:  

ra****@ya***.com












My all time favorite;
“I don’t give a fat fiddler’s foreskin”

Entry #9:
“I was initially disappointed at the
shallowness of his convictions and depths of
his self hatred, but then I realized he was
‘just kiddin’ and my ire turned to jollity;
a good time was had by all in the
contemplation of his wit and acerbic humor.”
-Chas —
-Andrew>

Entry #10 =

ra****@ya***.com












oh yeah, I forgot that “asward in hand lady
of the lake” thingy,
“Needs we no Lady, arising from the Lake
asward in hand, to apprise us of that
truth…”

Entry #11 = Wraith
Why not?
“Your weapons philosophy is based on bad
French movies?”
–Chas Clements
Regards,
Wraith

Entry #12: James
Two more.
“…if cows could talk, does that mean we’d
have to lie to them?”
James

Entry #13
“So a cogent analysis of pertinent facts is
beyond you?”
James

Entry #14:
Politics is martial arts for groups
Kirk Lawson

Entry #15
Daniel Winsor – HESE wrote:

Chas <

gr******@ho**.com











> writes: GROUP
HUG!!!!
Put some clothes on first this time, please?
😉
Yeah- you say that when the lights come
on— Chas

Entry #16:


Sc******@we***.net












My favorite is simple and to the point.
In response to an anti self-defense ninny
“Hal, You’re a menace”

Entry #17:
My fav:
Yes; and only the most fatuous boob would

suggest otherwise.
Happily, we have a boob-in-residence, and

needn’t wait for an itinerant fool to make

his rounds.

Badger Jones

Entry #18

Great idea.  Here’s a couple of my
favourites – dark and light :
On atrocities in war :  “(War) entails the
nadir of man’s ideals to function; deceit,

duplicity, ruthlessness, viciousness – the

fear is overwhelming; clinging to any

ideal except self-preservation’ is difficult

• everyone is an enemy who isn’t wearing

green.  War is an atrocity.”

Cheers

Roger Taylor

Entry #19
On ’empty-handed’ fighting :  “Fighting

unarmed is an affectation.  Geez you don’t

eat with your hands, why in the world

would you want to fight with them?”
Cheers

Roger Taylor

Entry #20
Entry #8:  

ra****@ya***.com












and an obscure one I would guess;
“My karma ran over your dogma”

Entry #21
“Your epigrammatic forays aside, I don’t

have to be a magician to know
that I didn’t have a coin in my ear.” -Chas

I’ll propose that one. I must admit he

totally lost me when I read that.
-frl

Entry #22
“Sort of the idea that if you’re bitten by a

dog, it didn’t help if you were wearing a

porkchop hat.”
Paul T.

Entry #23
“If you want to cut your chances of being a

dog’s dinner, don’t dress up like a can of

Alpo.”
Paul T.

Entry #24
“The English, God Love ’em, have only two

kinds of women; and they are exemplified by

Diana and Camilla.”
Paul T.

Entry #25
“…the gun will work wet and modern

ammunition is watertight…  A nice

ballistic nylon holster attached to your

shower head is a fashion
accessory sure to excite comment from your

bathing guests.”

Paul T.

Entry #26
“I haven’t done anything in twenty-five

years that I wouldn’t do in your front room

with the picture window.” – Chas
-frl

Entry #27

Or how about
“You attacked in the electronic arena, in

public-”

That was a funny one too. My take is that

these aren’t really chasisms but I thought

they were pretty funny at the time.
-frl

Entry #28

“As I say; what if they had come after

you– when do you give up your good name

without a battle?  They chose the venue,

they can ride the pipe.”

Yeah baby, yeah.

-frl

Entry #29
Another Chas-ism that always makes me smile

is “[you] get to ride the big green weenie.”

Peace favor your sword (IH)
Kirk Lawson

Entry #30

Unless you want to
declare war on Islam, and AGAIN, if you

do, Hussein is a NON-ISLAMIC > state.

He just happens to be an arab.

I thought he was a Persian. He doesn’t look
like an evil rat, so I thought he was more

‘mesopotamian’ or something.
Hugh Slaman

Not an entry – jest an observation.  Chas

exemplifies the American
passion for freedom of expression, press and

religion.  Here is an exerpt from Rec.Knives

that I find germane:

noone_atallus wrote:

……..
but the subject’s quickly drifting away

from that to a ‘all cops are > evil’thread
which has started a flame war smoldering

from which no > > one wins and everyone

loses.

Actually, I think everybody wins.  Cops win

because they can reclaim our perceptions of

their integrity by simply doin’ the fookin’

job.
Citizens win because the more we can trust

our public institutions and their

administrators, the better chance we have in

our ‘noble
experiment’ to live by the rule of law

rather than the whim of some
individual.

I would hope everyone here has the utmost

respect for all who

post to this group, but a battle of

opinions, regardless of personal >
experience,  will only cause a multitude

name calling posts that will > choke this

group to death and cause many current and

potential

posters to leave and take they’re wealth

of information with them > leaving us with
only spam and tumble weeds.

(I’m sure we all know of at least one

newsgroup that’s had this

happen to them).

Crap.
I wade through a lot of posts that bore me
to distraction- and I respect that other

people have other interests than mine.  As a

martial artist, as a man who lives in a

rough part of town- as a minority, as a

knife dealer, a sheath maker and a collector

of all things bladed, I want information

on the real world as applies to knifeguys.

Why don’t we just let this thread die and

get on with the

business at hand, the most wondrous tool

ever invented, the blade.
If you don’t pay attention to your rights,

you’ll be constrained to display your

‘wondrous tools’ in a glass box with a lock

on it- and never a pocket will it see.

—
Chas Clements
casemaker 303-910-2685 (Denver area)

Entry #31:

One of my favourites (which I haven’t seen

posted yet) was to do with using weapons:–

Why would I want to lose a fight just

because you’re better than me?

—
Rob.

Entry #32:

N.**@ce*****.net

I like:

“The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and

extended one slender leg behind her, like a

dog at a fire hydrant.”

A student

Entry #33: replacing Smorgass Bord from

rec.sport.billiard

Another one(Gawd they’re endless!)

“Tough guys will …
read more »

Frank Benn  Jul 17 2000, 12:00 am     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom: Frank Benn <spa…@NOSPAMINTEGRATEDARTShotmail.c­om> – Find messages by this author Date: 2000/07/17Subject: Unfortunate NewsReply to Author | Forward | Print | Individual Message | Show original | Report Abuse A few days ago, I was notified that a member of this forum, Stuart
Pauker, passed away.
I never met Stuart, but we had emailed back and forth a number of times
over the past couple years, and he seemed like a very nice and sincere
person.

I don’t know any of the circumstances, but would appreciate it if anyone
with information on what exactly happened would contact me.

Chas  Jul 18 2000, 12:00 am     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom: Chas <

gr******@ho**.com











> – Find messages by this author Date: 2000/07/18Subject: Re: Unfortunate NewsReply to Author | Forward | Print | Individual Message | Show original | Report Abuse
Frank Benn wrote:

A few days ago, I was notified that a member of this forum, Stuart
Pauker, passed away.

Seemed like a nice guy-
Please pass to his family and loved ones my deep condolences, respects
and good wishes.
Chas
http://members.xoom.com/kilap/Keepsafe.htm
http://members.xoom.com/kilap/cane.html
http://members.xoom.com/kilap/monkey.html   http://www.kuntaosilat.com/
http://members.tripod.lycos.com/coloradojail/index.htm

GOU RONIN®  Jul 19 2000, 12:00 am     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom:

ke*********@ho*****.com











(GOU RONIN®) – Find messages by this author Date: 2000/07/19Subject: Re: Unfortunate NewsReply to Author | Forward | Print | Individual Message | Show original | Report Abuse Chas <

gr******@ho**.com











> scribbled with their crayola:

Frank Benn wrote:
> A few days ago, I was notified that a member of this forum, Stuart
> Pauker, passed away.
Seemed like a nice guy-
Please pass to his family and loved ones my deep condolences, respects
and good wishes.
Chas

Ditto.
GOU RONIN® – The Unforgiven…
ICQ# – 49024165
http://members.tripod.com/~kenpo_ronin/houseofronin.html

Lynn Seiser PhD MFCC  Jul 20 2000, 12:00 am     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom:

ai***********@ao*.com











(Lynn Seiser PhD MFCC) – Find messages by this author Date: 2000/07/20Subject: Re: Unfortunate NewsReply to Author | Forward | Print | Individual Message | Show original | Report Abuse

>a member of this forum, Stuart Pauker, passed away.>>

Condolences and compassion to his family.
Lynn
Tenshinkai Aikido/Lucaylucay Kali

“We do not rise to the level of our expectations.
We fall to the level of our training.” Train well. KWATZ!
Aiki-Solutions (Lynn Seiser, PhD MFCC)
http://hometown.aol.com/AikiSolutions/AikiSolutions.html
http://members.aol.com/SeiserL/index.html

William  Jul 21 2000, 12:00 am     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom: “William” <

bu********@ho*****.com











> – Find messages by this author Date: 2000/07/21Subject: Re: Unfortunate NewsReply to Author | Forward | Print | Individual Message | Show original | Report Abuse wow you get a phd in martial arts!  I wish we had that in Australia.

If you are half as smart as me, Then I am Twice as smart as you!!!


kl*******@ho*****.com











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Lynn Seiser PhD MFCC wrote in message
<

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>…
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –

>>a member of this forum, Stuart Pauker, passed away.>>
Condolences and compassion to his family.

Lynn
Tenshinkai Aikido/Lucaylucay Kali

“We do not rise to the level of our expectations.
We fall to the level of our training.” Train well. KWATZ!
Aiki-Solutions (Lynn Seiser, PhD MFCC)
http://hometown.aol.com/AikiSolutions/AikiSolutions.html
http://members.aol.com/SeiserL/index.html
Chas  Jul 21 2000, 12:00 am     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom: Chas <

gr******@ho**.com











> – Find messages by this author Date: 2000/07/21Subject: Re: Unfortunate NewsReply to Author | Forward | Print | Individual Message | Show original | Report Abuse
William wrote:
wow you get a phd in martial arts!  I wish we had that in Australia.
are you really this dumb or did someone teach a can of tunafish to talk?

• Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
  Chas
  http://members.xoom.com/kilap/Keepsafe.htm
  http://members.xoom.com/kilap/cane.html
  http://members.xoom.com/kilap/monkey.html   http://www.kuntaosilat.com/
  http://members.tripod.lycos.com/coloradojail/index.htm

Daniel Winsor – HESE  Jul 21 2000, 12:00 am     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom:

dw*****@En*.COM











(Daniel Winsor – HESE) – Find messages by this author Date: 2000/07/21Subject: Re: Unfortunate NewsReply to Author | Forward | Print | Individual Message | Show original | Report Abuse In article

CB******@ho**.com











, Chas <

gr******@ho**.com











> writes:

are you really this dumb or did someone teach a can of tunafish to talk?

Can someone research the archives and compile a list of some of these?

We need to be recording these for posterity.

Dan Winsor

OT: Chasisms – was Re: Unfortunate News Daniel Winsor – HESE  Jul 21 2000, 12:00 am     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom:

dw*****@En*.COM











(Daniel Winsor – HESE) – Find messages by this author Date: 2000/07/21Subject: OT: Chasisms – was Re: Unfortunate NewsReply to Author | Forward | Print | Individual Message | Show original | Report Abuse In article

2.**@ea*******.com











,

dw*****@En*.COM











(Daniel Winsor – HESE) writes:

Can someone research the archives and compile a list of some of these?
We need to be recording these for posterity.

BTW, my appologies for not starting a new topic for this.  This topic is not

appropriate for the original thread.

Dan Winsor

Unfortunate News Don Wagner  Jul 21 2000, 12:00 am     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom:

da******@ix.com











(Don Wagner) – Find messages by this author Date: 2000/07/21Subject: Re: Unfortunate NewsReply to Author | Forward | Print | Individual Message | Show original | Report Abuse
Chas <

gr******@ho**.com











> wrote:

William wrote:
> wow you get a phd in martial arts!  I wish we had that in Australia.
are you really this dumb or did someone teach a can of tunafish to talk?

Chas
Ain’t he a hoot, Chas?
Really, if the price of stupid goes up I claim drilling rights to his
head!
–Don–
Let me show you how the guards used to do it…
Jerry B. Altzman  Jul 21 2000, 12:00 am     show optionsNewsgroups: rec.martial-artsFrom: “Jerry B. Altzman” <

jb****@te*****.com











> – Find messages by this author Date: 2000/07/21Subject: Re: Unfortunate NewsReply to Author | Forward | Print | Individual Message | Show original | Report Abuse [Posted and mailed]

Don Wagner wrote:

Chas <

gr******@ho**.com











> wrote:
>are you really this dumb or did someone teach a can of tunafish to talk?
Really, if the price of stupid goes up I claim drilling rights to his
head!

Alas, running out of stupidity is about as likely as running out of hydrogen,
so the price will likely stay low…

–Don–

//jbaltz

jerry b. altzman        

jb****@te*****.com












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